Pamela Anderson stepped out in Paris last night wearing a see-through dress and no bra. She’ll also be stripping tonight at the Crazy Horse for a lucky Valentine’s crowd. I say lucky because I assume seeing Pamela Anderson naked is still awesome which, c’mon, it is. But don’t take my word for it. I’ve been drinking beer and eating candy hearts all day. Also I’m pretty sure I just had sex with the toaster.

Pamela Anderson stripped last night for two sold out performances at the Crazy Horse in Paris. The crowd of over 500 fans paid $300 a pop to get in. Sadly all journalists and photographers were banned. (Sorry, guys!) Pam came on stage in a sheer black body stocking and did her stage bow on the back of a motorcycle. Her performance was an homage to ’50s sex icon Brigitte Bardot who sent Pamela flowers and wished her well. People reports:

Though the Crazy Horse specializes in presenting topless dancers, “It’s a celebration of women,” says Anderson. “It’s done very respectfully, very classy, and it’s a wonderful show for women as well as for men.”
“This isn’t for money,” said Anderson. “It’s just for the love of the art, and the Crazy Horse does it best.”

Whoa there, Pamela Anderson. I don’t go to the strip club to learn about art. I go to do math problems: If Candy is on Pole A, Trixie is on Pole B and The Superficial Writer, who only has $10, is sitting two seats down from Pole B, how many dollar bills does he need to lay down for Candy and Trixie to kiss but still have money left over for his tenth whiskey sour? (Hint: Don’t forget to carry the one.)

Look, everybody, it’s the mentally-challenged yet awesomely augmented superhero Valentine’s Girl! Yay! She’s here to ward off loneliness and broken hearts with a barrage of nipples. Also she’s wielding her, uh, trusty baton covered in tin-foil. I have no fucking clue but God bless her retarded heart. Thanks, Valentine’s Girl!

NOTE: These are actually NSFW shots of British TV personality Katie “Jordan” Price at a book-signing this morning for her third autobiography “Jordan: Pushed to the Limit.” I had no idea her life required not one but three novels. Yet somehow none of them are part of Oprah’s Book Club. What a travesty.

Somehow Heidi Montag’s video “Higher” reached No. 7 on the iTunes Top 100. It’s official. The terrorists have won. In the meantime, Heidi had initially said she was thrilled people commented on the video but in reality she drowned her fake breasts in tears. Us Magazine reports:

“I just started sobbing uncontrollably,” The Hills star tells Us.
“I cried myself to sleep that first night after my video came out,” she says. “I just couldn’t understand why people I didn’t even know felt the need to be so cruel and hurtful toward me.”
“I am just a 21-year-old from a small town in Colorado trying to follow her dreams,” Montag says.

Heidi also revealed the technical prowess employed by the video’s director Spencer Pratt:

“We were at the beach and, literally, Spencer had his camera and a boom box in the trunk,” Montag recalls of the amateur shoot in October. “We did it in one take, maybe two, and it took us 20 minutes to film and cost us zero dollars.”

A boom box was involved? Whoa! That changes everything. Here I thought some ass-clown just videotaped his tone-deaf girlfriend rolling around the beach in a bikini. But all this time advanced boom box technology was being used. Spencer Pratt, I underestimated you. Please show up to my house to receive my well-earned respect.*

*Respect subject to change and may be substituted for a brick in the face. Brick subject to be on fire.

Nice top.

R&B singer Brandy’s mom Sonja Norwood claims that she gave her credit card to Kim Kardashian so she could make “one (and only one)” purchase. Kim was Brandy’s stylist at the time. However, according to Sonja, Kim went crazy with the card then let her family take it for a spin. TMZ reports:

According to the suit, Kim allegedly gave the card to other members of her family — Khloe, Kourtney and Robert Jr. The suit claims in 2006, the Ks racked up $62,793.83 in unauthorized charges. And, in 2007, they blew another $57,841.82. The total: $120,635.65!
And get this for audacity: the suit claims the Kardashians charged thousands of dollars in their own stores, Dash and Smooch.
It’s unclear why Sonja didn’t just cancel the card.

So the Kardashians had the card in 2006 and 2007, but Sonja didn’t cancel it? That makes total sense. Whenever my credit card gets stolen by strippers (God, they’re crafty.), I always sit around for a year or two before I cancel it. Mostly because they threaten to come to my house and rip up my comic books. I really need to stop wearing my Spider-man pajamas to the nudie bar…

Mariah Carey went shopping yesterday at Van Cleef & Arpels on Rodeo Drive. I have no idea what that is because I have a penis. Anyway, she tried on several pieces of jewelry. Apparently her breasts aren’t noticeable enough. Even the guy in the background, let’s call him Nigel, is trying to resist touching them. He’s mostly afraid the top button of Mariah’s shirt will rocket off at any second severing his finger. Then how will he explain that to his wife Mrs. Nigel? I mean, once she notices his well-earned Purple Heart.

Demi Moore posed for the cover of V Magazine’s Spring Preview 2008. I’m confused by these covers. And not just by the photoshopping. I thought this magazine was about people with vaginas. Maybe the editors confused Demi with Ashton Kutcher. It happens. He definitely has a V. In fact, I hear it’s a W. I don’t really know what that means, but I bet it explains why Bruce Willis stops over a lot.

Pamela Anderson is offering a $28,000 scholarship to Bay Point Schools for troubled youth in Miami, according to People:

“I have a soft spot for bad boys,” she told the jam-packed ALL-STAR Gala Saturday night in South Beach as she pledged the cash.

I wish Pamela Anderson offered scholarships when I was in school. All they had in my day was free rides to college if you were awesome in math or something. Pfft. Math. That’s for suckers. I want a scholarship from Pam Anderson for something useful. Like touching boobs. Apparently I’m doing it all wrong because I got fired from my last job for touching my co-worker’s chest region. Should I have yelled “Surprise!” when I jumped out from underneath her desk? I felt “Honk honk” was more appropriate for an office setting.

Lindsay Lohan attended the L.A. premiere of Cloverfield last night. Why do I get the distinct feeling her invitation contained the words “cleavage mandatory” handwritten in by the president of movies? Man, I hope that guy gets another term.

These are the latest promotional stills from Jennifer Love Hewitt’s show Ghost Whisperer. Apparently Jennifer’s cleavage grants her the ability to communicate with the dead. That’s good television. Here’s a couple of things I expect ghosts to whisper this season:

“Carbs are the enemy…”
“Those are real. Ghost-boner!”
“If you see Janice Dickinson again, could you put her back in her coffin?”
“Also, saturated fat is bad. Hey, dammit, where’d you get that? I thought I told craft services to stop serving donuts. Awesome. Let’s just call the show ‘Titanic Girl and the Dead People She Doesn’t Listen To Because She Loves Cake.’”

After a long day of Britney Spears insanity, I’m glad to see my constant vigil of Kelly Brook’s vacation has hit the jackpot. Here she is sunbathing topless in St. Barts. It’s almost like Kelly Brook knew I was having a rough day so she took her boobs out. She’s a keeper. You hold on tight to that one, Billy Zane. And not just because you’ll die old, bald and alone if you don’t.

Victoria’s Secret model Alessandra Ambrosio had a photo shoot this weekend in South Beach. I should also mention she’s three months pregnant. Normally, the sight of a pregnant woman makes me want to change my name, grow a moustache and flee to the Rockies. (If anyone asks, my name is Adam F. Thundernads.) But, today, I’m going to make an exception with Alessandra and ignore my natural, sharply honed reflexes. Maybe it’s because I’m starting to mature as an adult or perhaps it’s because she’s wearing a bikini. I’m not really sure. But I’d put money on the bikini – and a lot of it.

Paris Hilton modeled a new clothing line for Fila yesterday in Marina del Rey. Wow, so the ad executive that okay-ed this shoot wanted to get fired, right? I mean, the point of an ad is to encourage consumers to buy your product. Not weep and pray for God to take away their eye-sight. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to torch my laptop with a flame-thrower. Actually, I should probably burn the desk too. You know what? Better be safe. This whole building’s gotta go. Somebody alert the fire department. Tell them to have my medal ready.

Britney Spears demonstrated this weekend that the crazy train is at full throttle. She wore the top of her wedding dress while car shopping with Adnan Ghalib. Then she was spotted at an L.A. mall looking super classy (above). On top of that, it’s reported that Britney has a master plan to get her kids back: Fake her own death. News of the World reports:

“She’s been discussing all these wacky plans to reinvent her life and convince the courts she is a good mother. She has discussed in depth a fake death, moving abroad and even plastic surgery. It is scary to hear her romanticise about these insane plans.
“She believes she could spend six months away and make a comeback as Britney the world’s best mother.”

Britney is also looking to take her relationship with Adnan to the next level. In fact, she’s even learning his language, according to The Sun:

Britney — who has started talking in a strange British accent — is said to be keen to marry Ghalib after a whirlwind two-week romance.

Britney Spears probably thinks she’ll show up in court today and wow the judge with her new British accent: “Right-o, judge, me speaking like them smart people. I am, I am.” At that point, I think the judge has legal grounds to give Britney the death sentence. Then he’ll chomp down on a cigar and say “Fake this, fool.” Did I mention the judge is also Mr. T?

Here’s Eva Longoria unveiling the 2008 athletic collection for Bebe Sports. It looks like to impress her, and eventually touch her naughty parts, I’ll have to mountain bike down to the beach. Then ride a motorcycle while surfing. Man, again? Can’t I fall for a woman that’s into, I dunno, questionably-free strip club chicken wings? Or pretending to be asleep when the opposite sex is talking. You know, stuff I’m passionate about.

Kim Kardashian went to lunch in Beverly Hills yesterday and got some love from the paparazzi. She didn’t even have to fake an engagement or jewel theft. In the meantime, I wonder how often this exchange happens when the paps are taking Kim’s picture. Probably a lot:

Pap #1: Wow, great day. Didn’t think I’d see any celebs.

Pap #2: Me too. This worked out well. Say, what is this chick famous for again?

Pap #1: Some dude peed on her.

Pap #2: Stops shooting. Opens up his camera. Lets the film spill out.

Pap #1: What’re you doing?

Pap #2: I’m going back to shooting midget porn. At least I’ll feel a sense of pride and dignity so I can look my kid in the eye at the dinner table.

Pap #1: Stares at his camera. My God, man, you’re right. Do you think I can get a job in midget porn, too?

Pap #2: Only if you can dream big enough. Only if you can dream… Also you need your own midget. Union rules. Don’t worry, I know a guy. Now let’s go be heroes – friend.

Based on a true story. The End.

While it’s a documented fact I hate The Hills like a red-headed step-child, there’s no way I could pass on these pictures of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt in Mexico. I guess I’m a sucker for two people in the throes of love. I’m a hopeless romantic. You know, the kind that gets drunk and throws dollar bills at his computer monitor until he realizes he’s gone through a grand and Heidi can’t really see him. Sort of like Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in Titanic, but way more sensitive to chick stuff.

Pamela Anderson is pregnant with Rick Salomon’s baby, according to TMZ. However, that’s not stopping her from moving ahead with their divorce:

Salomon has told friends he believes she is “acting crazy” because of the pregnancy and hopes she will settle back into the marriage. Interestingly, in her divorce petition, Anderson asked for spousal support but not child support.

Okay, I can understand the husband leaving the wife for getting pregnant. Her egg, her fault. That’s simple geometry. But the wife leaving the husband? Is that legal? Can they do that? I mean, how will shirts get ironed? And, oh God, the dishes! Hold me.

UPDATE: Pamela Anderson posted a simple “No.” on her blog which her rep confirmed to People is in response to the pregnancy rumors.

Kim Kardashian is denying rumors she got butt implants and blames her curves on being Armenian, though she also mentions that she isn’t against plastic surgery. She tells King magazine:

“Everyone now says I have a fake butt or butt implant. I’m Armenian; you should see all the women in my family. The women have bigger breasts and bigger butts. That’s how I was born. I can’t help it. I’m not gonna fight it. I definitely need to work out more and tone up, but I’m proud of my body… [although] I’m not against [plastic surgery].”

And here’s some photos Kim did for Complex magazine. Although they don’t quite capture just how massive her ass really is. I guess they couldn’t afford a big enough lens. It actually looks like they airbrushed her ass down one or eighteen sizes. I guess printing it actual size would use up all the trees of the world. And yeah, maybe that doesn’t make any sense, but maybe you don’t make any sense. Ever thought about that?